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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28173804">Boulevard of broken dreams</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Subaruchan192/pseuds/Subaruchan192'>Subaruchan192</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>After the fire- Post war Eruri [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Erwin Smith Lives, Established Levi/Erwin Smith, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Guilt, M/M, POV Erwin Smith, Soft Erwin Smith, Soft Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 00:35:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,814</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28173804</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Subaruchan192/pseuds/Subaruchan192</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“What am I supposed to do, now?” Levi asked as he lifted his gaze to look at Erwin, who frowned.<br/>“Whatever you want to.”<br/>“And what should that be? What purpose do I serve, now?” Erwin gasped, the first time in lack of words at the sound of despair in Levi’s usually calm voice. A deep, helpless eye looked up at him, begging him to tell what to do.<br/>“Levi, you don’t have to fulfil a purpose. You’re not a tool.”<br/>“I was, wasn’t I? The wings of hope.” Levi tried to smile, but it flickered. “Not that I cared about that shit.”</p><p>~*~</p><p>The war is over, the Titans extinguished. Everything should be perfect, but Erwin and Levi have to realize that peace isn't simple either.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Levi/Erwin Smith</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>After the fire- Post war Eruri [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2086356</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>158</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Boulevard of broken dreams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So, here I am, once again, with my second Attack on Titan fanfic. This was on my mind for a bit and I was finally able to finish it.</p><p>It's quite angsty, but also fluffy =) I hope you enjoy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>„You look tired, Levi,“ Erwin noted as he put a book back into the shelf he had just finished reading.</p><p>“Hmmm…,” Levi hummed and nipped on his tea, his crossed leg bouncing in a rhythm of a melody none of them had ever heard.</p><p>“One should think you could sleep better now that we won and regained our freedom.” Erwin turned around and sat down next to him on the worn-out, brown sofa in front of the window with a view over the forest through which Titans once had roamed.</p><p>“Hmmm,” Levi said once again and nodded. His steel-grey eyes hung on the floor, lost in thought.</p><p>“Are you even listening to me or am I talking to myself?” A soft, warm chuckle escaped the former commander of the Survey Corps as he wondered what was busying Levi’s mind. The war was over and won and to be honest, Erwin was glad that he didn’t have to play mental chess anymore- at least for a while.</p><p>“Whatever makes you happier, Erwin.”</p><p>“Ah, so you are listening to me,” he noted with a smirk. Levi lifted his head and threw a long, annoyed gaze at him- one of Levi’s deathly one-, but instead of causing fear, Erwin only laughed. It vanished soon, though, and he mustered his former captain with a thoughtful gaze in his blue eyes.</p><p>“Levi…”, he whispered softly. Levi blinked and the masquerade he sometimes still wore out of habit disappeared.</p><p>“It’s nothing,” he tried to dismiss, but Erwin wasn’t fooled that easily. A deep sigh escaped Erwin as he rested his left arm on the backrest of the couch so that he could turn even more to him. Gently, he cradled Levi’s chin and turned his head around.</p><p>“We never kept secrets from each other. Please let's not start now.”</p><p>Levi made a snide noise, but couldn’t refuse Erwin's request. After a few moments of hesitation, he finally gave in with a sigh.</p><p>“Peace and freedom can just be as exhausting as war for a soldier,” he said with his usual calm voice, but this time it sounded heavier. “But now…”</p><p>Helplessly, Levi waved with his hand, capturing the quiet scenery behind the window. The sun was shining gently down to them, similar to a smile of a mother neither of them knew, and a little breeze danced through the roof of leaves, which spread like a green ocean in front of them.</p><p>“But now?” Erwin encouraged him to continue. Levi hesitated, his long, fine fingers drumming against the porcelain of his tea cup, while a thoughtful frown knitted his eyebrows.</p><p>“What am I supposed to do, now?” Levi asked as he lifted his gaze to look at Erwin, who frowned.</p><p>“Whatever you want to.”</p><p>“And what should that be? What purpose do I serve, now?” Erwin gasped, the first time in lack of words at the sound of despair in Levi’s usually calm voice. Deep, helpless eye looked up at him, beginning him to tell what to do.</p><p>“Levi, you don’t have to fulfil a purpose. You’re not a tool.”</p><p>“I was, wasn’t I? The wings of hope.” Levi tried to smile, but it flickered. “Not that I cared about that shit.”</p><p>“Levi…” Erwin’s heart clenched at those words.</p><p>“It is quite ironic isn’t it?” Levi continued, not giving him the chance to comfort him. “That I became the hope of humanity, when I never had any idea what <em>hope</em> exactly is. You at least know a different life, Erwin. You have seen other things, but I…all I ever did was fighting, surviving, but now that I don’t have to anymore, I don’t know what else there is left.”</p><p>Levi looked up, a dark, pained expression on his face.</p><p>“I never had the luxury to dream or hope. It was hard enough to bear the present without breaking. So how could I have survived being disappointed by the future?” It felt like Levi needed to get it off his chest as his voice got harder, yet quieter with every word and bitterness burned in his eyes. A sting, which Erwin had felt for quite a while within himself, too. They both were weary, sobered up.</p><p>Erwin saw how Levi’s carefully crafted mask cracked and split open; how pain and doubts made him finally open up. He looked so much younger, almost like the little, hopeless boy that Kenny had found in the brothel. Disillusioned, hopeless.</p><p>This wasn’t how peace was supposed to be, but maybe Levi was right. War was something they had known and, in its presence, everything else had become unimportant, but now, the fire was extinguished and they had to face the ruins of their souls. For a while, the euphoria of relief had been able to cover it up, but it was just as dangerous. At some point, no one could escape anymore and one had to face oneself, in all its ugly imperfection and in the silence of peace, the things pushed away began to scream even louder. Peace was something they must learn.</p><p>It would take a long time until flowers would grow on this burned earth again.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he whispered with all sincerity he could offer as he did what someone long before him should have done. He wrapped his arms around the lean, small form of Levi and pulled him into a tight hug, tucking him under his chin and Levi froze in surprise.</p><p>Time stood still as his warmth wrapped around Levi, soothing something old deep inside of him and it almost was as if Erwin heard something crack and the calm, composed porcelain mask of Levi fell to the ground and shattered.</p><p>Levi began to tremble, when Erwin’s apology for everything he had to endure, even for those things that hadn’t been his fault, reached like roots deep inside of him and something began to blossom.</p><p>And at the same time, Erwin began to understand. To truly understand. All of his life, Levi had overtaken the dreams of others and had offered them his wings to make them become reality. Furlan’s and Isabela’s dream of escaping the pitch-black Underworld and for once, only once, seeing the sun and feel its warmth. After they died, Levi had stayed in Survey Corps. Not because he had wanted to, but to honour their sacrifice and to make sure it hadn’t been in vain.</p><p>Over the time, he had overtaken Erwin’s even when it turned out that his true wish hadn’t been to save humanity, but to prove that his father and he had been right all along. Atonement turned into a sinful wish.</p><p>Still, Levi had fought to help him even though Erwin’s wish had been an ugly one. One, that Levi actually despised.</p><p>How cold must his soul had felt like? How much did it have to endure that it hadn’t been able to create its own dreams? Dreams and hope were the fuel of humanity and Levi had fought so hard and paid so much to help achieving the consensual one, the one most inhabitant behind the wall wasn’t even aware of and he had got nothing out of it in return, because all of those dreams had never been his.</p><p>Levi was the most selfless person he had ever met.</p><p>While Erwin had to acknowledge that he was quite a selfish person. That fulfilling his dreams hadn’t been enough. No, while abusing the hope of others to achieve his own personal agenda, he had even allowed himself to fall in love above all else.</p><p>The thought made him sick. How blind must he had been to be fooled by himself? How arrogant must he be, when he had liked to see himself like his subordinates had instead of how he truly was? That he had asked and awaited of them to sacrifice their hearts for humanity without hesitation when it had never been his actual goal?</p><p>His legacy was nothing but a boulevard of broken dreams.</p><p>“I’m so sorry,” Erwin whispered again and pressed a hard kiss into the raven black hair. He felt how his own composure was faltering, a crack appearing in his mask in the middle of his forehead, revealing his true self. “I’m so sorry for what you had to go through, what I awaited of you…of all of you.”</p><p>“Erwin…” Levi stilled inside his arms, waiting for an excuse or explanation, but Erwin wouldn’t. Levi deserved an honest apology. One that was not meant to make the apologizing person feel better.</p><p>Instead, he wrapped his remaining arm around him and pulled him tightly into his chest, curling his tall body around him as if he wanted to shield Levi from the world.</p><p>“May I ask you something, Levi?”</p><p>“What’s wrong with you tonight, old man?” Levi asked and pulled away, resting a hand on Erwin’s chest and his grey eyes looked irritated at him. “You’re acting quite strange.”</p><p>“I do, don’t I?” A weak smile flickered around Erwin’s lips. “It seems that things are coming to the surface that I have long repressed.”</p><p>He sighed deeply and his hand came to rest over Levi’s ear, his thumb tenderly caressing his cheek.</p><p>“You’ve always seen right through me,” he began. “You know me better than I do myself.”</p><p>“That’s not a question.”</p><p>“No.” Erwin laughed and it became a little lighter than the crippled version of before, but then he took a deep breath and collected his courage, because he suddenly felt nervous. A feeling he barely knew. Maybe, because he feared that Levi would discover even more that he didn’t want to see, but he knew that he had to face it. No matter what the answer was going to be. “You knew what my true wish was, before I did. So, why did you continue to follow me and trusted my judgements despite my selfish wish?”</p><p>Levi frowned as he pulled away, a strange mixture of confusion and irritation in his eyes as he gazed into Erwin’s dark, swallowing blue eyes.  Just like so often before, Levi listened to all those small things that Erwin told without words. He noticed the little changes in the fibres of his eyes, how he furrowed his brows more, how a shadow scurried over the ocean of his eyes and the corners of his mouth twitched until they fell.</p><p>“I thought it was obvious.” Levi tilted his head slightly.</p><p>“Not for me.” Resigned, Erwin shook his head, one stray strand of his blond hair came loose and hung over his eyes. Not so long ago, he would have immediately smoothed it back into its place, but he didn’t care for it, now, and it said so much more than any other gesture.</p><p>Levi noted it and narrowed his eyes, but then his steely face expression disappeared with a heavy sigh.</p><p>“Dreams and wishes are always selfish; it’s their given nature as they are what our soul is currently missing.” Levi’s eyes wandered away, as if they stared back to the past. “Yes, your wish was selfish, but it was also strong enough to unleash a great power to break the chains of humanity. Your goal may have been different, but the path was still the right one. Even though I didn't fully agree with your motivation, I believed in your power, strength, intelligence and determination. I knew you were the only one who could free us and that was all that mattered.”</p><p>“Levi…” Erwin gasped; his eyes blown wide and his heart pounding loudly in his chest.</p><p>“You think you have to be perfect, Erwin,” he continued and turned around to him. His sharp eyes pierced through him as he rested his hand on Erwin’s cheek. “To fill out the bright, shining symbol the people needed, to be their hero, their saviour, but the truth is no one could fulfil those high expectation. If you were, what they saw, humanity would have been doomed. If we weren’t ready to get dirty, to sacrifice everything we hold dear, we would still be where we were for hundreds of years. So, forgive yourself. You don’t have to be perfect. Not back then and especially not now anymore or with me. I know how dirt looks like. You aren’t dirty.”</p><p>A single tear glistened like a crystal in Erwin’s eyes. The red light of the setting sun broke on its surface, making it appear like a drop of blood. His, Levi’s and of so many more. It was forever stuck on his hands and that was a guilt he couldn’t wash off. One, that was deeply engraved into his soul. As a memorial, he would forever hold the names of the fallen soldiers.</p><p>“I think I understand know what you meant with peace is as hard as war,” he whispered and placed a small kiss into Levi’s palm. “In its light, we see our strains even better.”</p><p>“No one survives war without being polluted, Erwin,” Levi said softly and straddled his long legs. Fine, skilled fingers ran through the golden, silky strands of hair.</p><p>“So, it seems.” With a sad glance, Erwin reached out and stroked the scar which ran over half of Levi’s face. The tissue was hard and rigid, a distortion of his normally smooth skin. It always pained Erwin to see it. He closed his eyes and leaned forward to rest his forehead against his, while he wrapped his arm around Levi, holding onto him as the darkness began to rise like morass.</p><p>If he was honest, he had always hold onto Levi, when it had felt as if he was drowning in blood, tears and screams.</p><p>Levi ran his fingers through his hair, fingertips rubbing soothing circles on the back of his head, matching the pace of his heart.</p><p>“I’m here, Erwin,” Levi whispered. “Unfortunately, not everyone is, but you made sure that their sacrifice was not in vain and if you ask me that was your true motivation. All you ever wanted was to pay for your sins.”</p><p>“And yet I haven’t.” Erwin exhaled deeply. “Quite the opposite. I was lucky. I survived what I shouldn’t have and above all else I dared to fall in love.”</p><p>“We reach for every anchor we could get, for every piece of stability in this shaken world. To prevent that we didn’t fall. You carried the fate of the world on your shoulders. No wonder you needed a distraction.”</p><p>“Distraction?” Erwin repeated disbelievingly and pulled away. Levi avoided his gaze this time, but Erwin didn’t let him. He took his chin and lifted his head up. Determined, but gentle, unwavering blue eyes gazed into Levi’s and his thumb brushed over Levi’s lips. “You are far more than that, Levi, and you know that.”</p><p>“Am I?” Most would have made it sound flirty, but Levi’s voice shivered and he starred stubbornly onto the plain, wooden floor.</p><p>“Of course,” Erwin said without hesitation and pulled him even closer, his big hand running soothingly up and down his spine. “Always.”</p><p>That was another side of Levi. He had been alone, abandoned in the darkness of the Underworld. He couldn’t believe that he was important for someone. That someone would care about him.</p><p>Tenderly, he stroked Levi’s bangs out of his eyes and behind his ear.</p><p>“I regret that I used you as a chess figure to achieve my goal of ensuring the financing of our expedition. That I blackmailed you to join us, because I saw the translucent silhouette of your wings, but the truth also is that you impressed me.”</p><p>“Is that leading to something?” Levi asked annoyed, but Erwin knew it was just an attempt to push him away, but he wouldn’t leave. Never.</p><p>“It does.” He huffed softly and his blue eyes glistened as he ran his fingertips along the contour of his face. “I regret how I got to know you, but I never regretted that I did. I understand that you are afraid of love as you never experienced it, but you <em>are </em>loveable and you deserve to be loved.”</p><p>His eye widened the moment it reached his ears and he began to tremble. Erwin leaned forward and kissed him chaste, soft, nothing more than a touch of a feather.</p><p>“I love you, Levi,” he whispered against his lips. “And this isn’t going to end because the war did.”</p><p>“Erwin…”</p><p>“There’s no need to be afraid.”</p><p>“I’m not…”</p><p>“Levi,” he interrupted him and lifted his hand, his gaze telling him that he couldn’t fool him. He might have never been afraid in battle or when facing a Titan, because those were situations he knew, but Levi was afraid of the unknown. His unknown battleground was just something different.</p><p>Levi looked at him, stunned, but then, to Erwin’s surprise, he began to laugh. It was a weird sound, kind of twisted and too loud as if he still needed to learn how to, the sound echoing from the walls.</p><p>But it also had something relieving, as if the chains busted, which had locked a part of Levi away. Tears collected in Levi’s eye when he couldn’t stop and he held his stomach, while resting his other arm on Erwin’s shoulder to support him.</p><p>Yes, it was a weird sound, but Erwin began to love it and slowly, it jumped over on him. At first, Erwin only chuckled, but more and more it developed into a full-hearted laughing.</p><p>Neither of them knew exactly why they were laughing. Maybe it was the relief, endorphins or that they had just jumped of the edge of insanity, but it was liberating. Erwin couldn’t remember when had been the last time he had laughed like that, but it felt so damn good.</p><p>He wrapped his arm around Levi and pulled him against him, holding him as close to his heart as he possibly could and yet it would never reach the level that their souls already owned.</p><p>Levi’s laugh had turned into silent, breathless chuckles as he clenched his hand into his chest. Erwin leaned his head into his raven hair and pressed a kiss against his crown. Their freedom laid ahead of them as a wide, beautiful plain; with flowers blossoming as gems in an endless green. They just had to reclaim it.</p><p>“My abdominal muscles hurt,” Levi noted as he still chortled against his shoulder and pressed a hand against his hip.</p><p>“Congratulations, Levi, you learned how to laugh.” Erwin pulled away and lifted his head. This time, Levi didn’t shy away. His eyes glistened clearly and Erwin discovered some blue freckles hidden between the fibres of steely grey.</p><p>The warm, comforting shine of the summer gaze fall through the open window and a breeze danced with the white curtains. The rooftop of leaves whispered songs from an ancient time before the Titans. Before their world had been thrown into chaos.</p><p>And for the first time, they would be able to enjoy it. To ride over the meadow in walk, to take the surrounding in under different aspects. They didn’t have to look for Titans anymore or the best fight- or hiding position. They could enjoy the wind in their hair and the scent of nature in their noses. They would finally discover a new world, which was actually an old one. They might have uncovered the truth, but so many more still waited for them.</p><p>Erwin couldn’t wait to find them, but the question was if Levi wanted to do the same. He had to run all of his life, to hide, to fight. Maybe he just wanted to sit for a while, to breath, to sleep, to <em>rest</em>. His previous words indicated that at least and Erwin didn’t want to force his pace onto him again.</p><p>He looked up to him and caressed the back of his head. Levi looked younger, now, bathed in the golden light of summer and with the tension of caution gone, gaining a few of the years back that Kenny and he had stolen him.</p><p>And once again, Levi did something which surprised him. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, before he snuggled deeper into Erwin’s embrace. Just then Erwin realised that this was the first time they had time for something like this. Earlier, they had to squeeze some alone time in. It had always needed to be quick, because Hanji could storm in any minute. Not that they hadn’t known about their relationship. It had been an open secret, but their duty had always come first. Even before their love.</p><p>Now, they finally had time for themselves and maybe, he could leave seeking the truth behind. If only for a little while. Maybe, he could relax for a little while and enjoy the moment. To breathe, to rest.</p><p>Maybe, he could finally be Erwin again, though he might have to remember who he was.</p><p>He felt Levi’s smile against his neck and how he let out a deep breath, tensed muscles relaxing under his hand. Erwin smiled and leaned back, settling deeper into the couch, enjoying the tender caress of the sun on his skin.</p><p>“This is nice…,” Levi murmured.</p><p>“Yes…” A soft smile danced his lips. Maybe his sins were paid of or maybe he was going to pay for them one day soon, but Erwin decided not to care about it. For once, the future wasn’t his problem anymore. He didn’t have to ensure that one existed. Just for now, the present was enough for him.</p><p>“You know, I think I know what we could do next.”</p><p>“Oi, give me a break. War is <em>just</em> over.”</p><p>“I know.” Erwin chuckled softly and stroked through his hair. “We lost so much.”</p><p>“And won just as much.”</p><p>“Hmmm….” A deep, agreeing hum escaped him. “So not even slightly curious what I came up with?”</p><p>“No,” Levi deadpanned him. “But you’re going to tell me anyway.”</p><p>“That’s true,” Erwin admitted with a warm chuckle in the undertone. “I thought, how about we find you a dream? Your very own.”</p><p>Tenderly, he took Levi’s hand and rested it on his chest, just above his heart and laced his fingers with his.</p><p>“Let’s find something you wish for. Something you <em>want </em>to do.” Levi widened his eye in surprise and Erwin could almost see his reflection in them.</p><p>“Erwin…,” he whispered breathlessly, overwhelmed.</p><p>“Would that be something you’d like to do?” Erwin smiled softly and caressed his cheek.</p><p>“I…I don’t know.”</p><p>“That’s alright.” He brushed his thumb along Levi’s smooth, warm lips. “There’s no need to rush. Not anymore.”</p><p>“Erwin?”</p><p>“Yes?” Levi opened his mouth, but for once no words followed and it seemed as if he needed to collect his courage to say what was on his mind. He took a deep breath and his eye darted down, starring onto Erwin’s white trousers.</p><p>“I love you, too.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So, what do you think? I just thought that not everything is going to be fluffy after the Titans are defeated and I just played along of it.</p><p>I would really appreciate if you share your opinions with me =)</p><p>Anyway, I wish you a lovely day, Happy Christmas and Happy new year (soon). stay safe and healthy!</p><p>Greetings, Subaru =)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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